There are mean people.
There are cartoon villains.
And then there’s Kristi F*ck*ng Noem—or as I like to call her, Dead-Eyed Crusty Gnome—now serving as Trump’s Secretary of Homeland Security and the grinning face of mass deportations, ICE raids, and authoritarian cosplay.
This year alone, she has:
✅ Flown to El Salvador to study torture prisons.
✅ Starred in migrant-hating YouTube ads.
✅ Livestreamed ICE raids in schools and hospitals.
✅ Twisted habeas corpus on national TV.
✅ Tried to buy herself a $50M private ICE Barbie jet.
✅ Deployed the National Guard on American protesters.
✅ Is suing to bust the TSA workers’ union.
So in her dishonor, here are:
10 Awful Things That Are Still Nicer Than Kristi Noem
A paper cut under your tongue
Painful—but it doesn’t deport your neighbors.Accidentally kissing your dog with an open mouth
Gross—but Fido isn’t helping build torture-state alliances.Stepping barefoot on a slug
Horrifying—but it won’t livestream a school raid.Your ex’s new gf’s tradwife #selfcare podcast
Cringe—but it won’t cancel your kids’ citizenship.Realizing your shirt is inside out during a work Zoom
Awkward—but you’re not weaponizing the National Guard.A gas station hot dog that predates TikTok
Dubious—but it’s not union-busting at TSA.The smell of microwaved fish in an office breakroom
Nauseating—but it’s not staging fascist cosplay for likes.Your mom forwarding an anti-vax chain email
Irritating—but she’s not tearing families apart.That passenger who removes socks on a plane
Feral—but not running a vile national deportation machine on livestream.Biting into what looks like a chocolate chip cookie and tasting raisins
Betrayal—but still more humane than today’s DHS under Noem.
ALISA WRITES stands with LA.
She shot her dog. Need we say more. She is a horrible person and deserves the evil she gives out.
She is evil. In her most recent photos she looks like she got double Botox in her lips--nickname, please?