10 Awful Things That Are Still Better Than Kristi Noem

There are mean people.

There are cartoon villains.

And then there’s Kristi F*ck*ng Noem—or as I like to call her, Dead-Eyed Crusty Gnome—now serving as Trump’s Secretary of Homeland Security and the grinning face of mass deportations, ICE raids, and authoritarian cosplay.

This year alone, she has:

✅ Flown to El Salvador to study torture prisons.
✅ Starred in migrant-hating YouTube ads.
✅ Livestreamed ICE raids in schools and hospitals.
✅ Twisted habeas corpus on national TV.
✅ Tried to buy herself a $50M private ICE Barbie jet.
✅ Deployed the National Guard on American protesters.
✅ Is suing to bust the TSA workers’ union.

So in her dishonor, here are:

---

10 Awful Things That Are Still Nicer Than Kristi Noem

1. A paper cut under your tongue
   Painful—but it doesn’t deport your neighbors.

2. Accidentally kissing your dog with an open mouth
   Gross—but Fido isn’t helping build torture-state alliances.

3. Stepping barefoot on a slug
   Horrifying—but it won’t livestream a school raid.

4. Your ex’s new gf’s tradwife #selfcare podcast
   Cringe—but it won’t cancel your kids’ citizenship.

5. Realizing your shirt is inside out during a work Zoom
   Awkward—but you’re not weaponizing the National Guard.

6. A gas station hot dog that predates TikTok
   Dubious—but it’s not union-busting at TSA.

7. The smell of microwaved fish in an office breakroom
   Nauseating—but it’s not staging fascist cosplay for likes.

8. Your mom forwarding an anti-vax chain email
   Irritating—but she’s not tearing families apart.

9. That passenger who removes socks on a plane
   Feral—but not running a vile national deportation machine on livestream.

10. Biting into what looks like a chocolate chip cookie and tasting raisins
    Betrayal—but still more humane than today’s DHS under Noem.

ALISA WRITES stands with LA.