Today’s story is a humorous nonfiction essay about public health noncompliance.
Let’s talk about the bird flu. No, not the chicken little kind of bird flu where someone screams, "The sky is falling!" but the kind that kills 50% of humans (and everything else) it infects. That’s right, folks. Bird flu—H5N1—is out there, and it’s not just coming for your dairy cows and backyard poultry. It’s already taken out millions of our feathered friends and almost every mammal you can think of, including thousands of sea lions in Patagonia and half the big cats at a wildlife sanctuary in Washington. Oh. And also a few unlucky humans who got too close to their pet poultry, or cows, or drank raw milk. The worst news imaginable emerged this week out of Louisiana (because where else) when it was discovered the virus had mutated in the way you don’t want it to (to be more infectious to humans) in a human host. Yet, here in the land of free-range conspiracy theories and cage-free stupidity, there’s a whole chorus of people yelling, "We will not comply!"
With what, exactly? Reality? Common sense?
A Tale of Two Pandemics
Now, you’d think living through a once-in-a-century pandemic would be enough to convince people that hey, maybe germs are real. But no! COVID isn’t even over yet (despite what demented Joe Biden says), and some people are already treating the emerging bird flu pandemic like it’s a guest they didn’t invite to their conspiracy party.
"These pandemics are political!" they cry. "They’re not real! They were invented to control us Republicans!" Because yes, that’s definitely what viruses do. They’re like little airborne lobbyists targeting only the brave souls who refuse to wear masks at Sam’s Club and consider bleach a beverage. Viruses are out to get poor perpetually victimized Papa Trump, like everyone else. Uh huh. Okay, sure.
Newsflash: Bird flu doesn’t care if you voted for Trump or Harris or if you prayed to the Little Baby Jeezus for good health. It doesn’t care if you own guns, trucks, or even a MAGA hat and gilded Trump Bible made in China and signed by the (con)man himself as he sat on his golden toilet. You know what it cares about? Finding a new host. And evolving to get better and better at killing us. And if you’re breathing, congratulations, sweetheart, you’re on the menu.
The Golden Age of Compliance
Let’s rewind to a simpler time—the 1950s. Back then, Americans didn’t just comply with public health mandates; they celebrated compliance. Polio was ravaging the country, and what did we do? We lined up, rolled up our sleeves, and thanked Dr. Jonas Salk for the vaccine that saved millions of lives. People weren’t arguing about "freedom" or accusing the March of Dimes of being a communist plot. They were too busy being patriotic and not wanting their kids to live in iron lungs.
But now? Now we have people who think not wearing an N95 respirator in the grocery store is the same as storming Omaha Beach. "We fought wars for freedom!" they say. Yeah, tough guy, and you can’t even wear a piece of fabric over your nose for five minutes without acting like it’s a constitutional crisis. You. Are. A. Pussy.
Global Pandemics Are, Uh, Global
Here’s the thing about pandemics: they’re not just American. COVID? Global. Bird flu? Also global. Do you think the chickens in Cambodia are in on the conspiracy against Maga folks in Alabama trailer parks? Are the ducks dropping dead in Germany plotting with Fauci to make Trump look bad?
"Let’s wipe out entire flocks of ourselves," said the birds, "just to force American conservatives to wear medical-grade masks they feel embarrassed in!"
If only avian flu were a coordinated effort to mess with a specific subset of the U.S. population. But alas, it’s a fucking virus. It spreads indiscriminately. It kills without prejudice. The only difference is that some people, apparently, are too busy posting "We will not comply!" memes, complete with shitty AI art of George Washington on a boat in the icy river, to notice.
Pandemic Misinformation as Warfare
Here’s a fun fact: misinformation isn’t just a hobby for your uncle on Facebook; it’s a geopolitical strategy. Nations are using vaccine misinformation as a form of warfare. The U.S. was caught spreading lies about the efficacy of the Russian COVID vaccine in the Philippines to steer them away from using it—a petty way to troll Russia by literally killing people in a third country. And Russia? Well, they’ve been playing the same game, feeding anti-vaccine narratives to mouth-breathing right-wingers in the U.S. like it’s some sort of twisted psychological operation.
So, when someone yells "We will not comply!" ask yourself: Are they really standing up for freedom, or are they just unwitting pawns in an international game of pandemic chess?
When Reality Hits (Or Doesn’t)
The big question is: will these folks take bird flu seriously when half of them drop dead? Or will they just invent another conspiracy theory to explain it away? My money’s on the latter, folks.
“The deep state put ricin in the chicken nuggets,” they’ll say. Or, “It’s the COVID vaccine doing this, not bird flu!” At this point, they’d probably blame transgendered migrant toddler Beyonce fans for the extinction of the dodo if it served their narrative.
And when the rest of us point out the obvious—that these are real diseases with real consequences—we’ll probably be accused of being crisis actors. You can’t win.
The Harsh Reality of Bird Flu
Let’s not forget what’s at stake. Bird flu has a 50% fatality rate in humans. That means if it gets a foothold in our population, it’s not going to be a political debate. It’s going to be a mass casualty event. And while some people might still be yelling "We will not comply!" the virus will be busy doing what viruses do best: spreading.
A Call to Action (and Sanity)
Here’s the deal: pandemics aren’t political. They’re not about control. They’re about survival. And if we want to survive—as individuals, as a society, as a species—we need to stop treating public health like it’s a partisan issue.
So to all the "We will not comply!" warriors out there, I have one piece of advice: Put down the memes, pick up a mask, and maybe, just maybe, listen to someone who actually knows what they’re talking about. Because the bird flu doesn’t care about your politics. It cares about whether or not you’re breathing. And if you keep refusing to comply with basic survival instincts, you might not be for long.
As my fantasy husband Larry David would say, "You’re pretty, pretty dumb if you think you’re smarter than a deadly virus."