What Happens When Two Narcissists Go to War?
We're About to Find Out
You know what’s wild? Watching the Trump-Musk feud unfold this week and thinking: Oh. I know exactly where this is going.
Not because I’m psychic, but because I was raised by a malignant narcissist. Same playbook. Different arena. Higher stakes.
If you grew up around narcissistic abuse, you recognize this stuff in your bones. You don’t need a PhD to see it. And watching two of the most powerful men on the planet act out the textbook idealize → devalue → discard cycle — in public, with the fate of democracy and tech hanging in the balance — is, frankly, exhausting.
Wait — what is NPD, really?
Let’s clear this up, because people throw “narcissist” around like confetti these days.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder isn’t about swagger or confidence. It’s about profound insecurity. These folks live in mortal terror of being exposed as weak, unworthy, or unlovable. So they build a false self — all bluster, grandiosity, control. They feed off admiration because their self-worth is a black hole.
And when they feel slighted? Even a little? Boom. Narcissistic injury. Out comes the rage, the revenge, the scorched-earth campaign.
It’s not power. It’s panic in a $25,000 suit.
The cycle — always the same:
Here’s how narcissistic relationships go, whether it’s your dad, your boss, or two billionaires with Twitter accounts:
1️⃣ Idealize: “You’re amazing! You get me! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me!”
2️⃣ Devalue: “You’re disloyal. You’re an idiot. You’ve embarrassed me.”
3️⃣ Discard: “You’re dead to me. And by the way, here’s some public humiliation for good measure.”
Rinse. Repeat.
Trump and Musk — this week’s version:
Idealize:
Musk gives Trump $300 million in political donations. Trump gives Musk government power, public praise. Musk gets to cosplay government efficiency czar. Trump gets tech billionaire validation. A match made in Mar-a-Lago.
Devalue:
Musk criticizes Trump’s economic bill. Trump, predictably, flips — calls Musk unstable, threatens to wreck his companies.
Discard:
Musk cosigns impeachment calls. Trump declares the bromance over and starts smearing Musk in public.
But here’s why this matters:
When narcissists go to war, they don’t go alone. They drag their followers with them — into loyalty tests, public betrayals, and tribal feuds. Narcissts surround themselves with enablers, known in psychology as “flying monkeys,” people so weak-willed and needy (often exhibiting traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and codependency) they exist only to please and validate the narcissist.
We can count on both these men to rally their flying monkeys now. Already, Winged Ham-Faced Maga Monkey Steve Bannon has entered the fray, suggesting Trump deport Musk for being “an illegal immigrant,” and Musk has fired back on X, calling Bannon “peak retard” with all the sophistication of a 6th grade bully in 1984.
That’s why MAGA world runs on cycles of: “Hero → Traitor → Cancelled.”
It’s why Musk’s fanboys will adore someone one week and dox them the next. Their leaders are capricious, malignant narcissists. That millions of Americans feel perfectly at home with men who are so obviously personality disordered and mentally ill is a testament to the pervasiveness of child abuse in our society. As these behaviors are seen as normal and admirable via social media, one might even venture to say most of the United States populace now seems to toil under the weight of personality disorder on a grand scale. I shouldn’t have to state this plainly, but here goes: This isn’t good for us.
When entire political movements and tech platforms start mimicking the abuse cycles of narcissists, democracy doesn’t survive it.
This ain’t their first rodeo:
Both of these men have long trails of discarded allies and ex-friends behind them.
Trump’s Greatest Hits:
Mike Pence: Loyal VP → “traitor.”
Bill Barr: “Fantastic AG” → “coward.”
Fox News: MAGA gold → “enemy.”
Ron DeSantis: “Future of the party” → “DeSanctimonious.”
Michael Cohen: “Great lawyer” → “rat.”
Musk’s Greatest Hits:
OpenAI: Co-founder → “betrayers of humanity.”
Parag Agrawal: Respected CEO → mocked and fired.
The cave diver: Help reject Musk’s idea? Called a “pedo guy.”
Tesla execs: Idolized → sued and humiliated.
ACLU: Once a cause Musk supported → now “woke trash.”
It’s not new behavior. It’s the pattern.
Why this feud is extra dangerous:
Here’s the thing that survivors of narcissistic abuse know:
Most narcissistic relationships survive because someone other then the narcissist absorbs the abuse. A spouse. A kid. An employee. Someone has to take the high road to smooth things over, keep the peace, eat the blame. This only happens when the narcissist’s ego is massaged and they are determined to have “won.”
That is not happening here.
This isn’t narcissist vs. empath. It’s narcissist vs. narcissist, with both men also exhibiting traits of sociopathy. Neither of these men will back down. Neither will apologize. Neither will tolerate “losing” this fight.
And that’s when things get ugly:
Escalation: Expect this feud to get nastier — bigger public attacks, more obsession.
Followers mirroring rage: MAGA base and Musk’s fanboys will escalate right along with them.
Forced loyalty tests: Allies will be dragged in — and punished for picking the “wrong” side.
Actual governance will collapse: Because none of this is about governing. It’s about ego survival.
And unlike a family system — where someone eventually patches things up to keep the peace — this one spirals.
There is no adult in this room. There is no conscience. There is no empathy. That this is what passes for leadership and success in our nation is pathetic and depressing.
Final thought:
If you were raised in a narcissistic system — I see you. This is triggering as hell because it’s familiar. But the scale this time? Now the whole world is trapped in the house with them. And there’s no way out.
Fellow survivors — do you see the same pattern? How do you cope watching it play out in politics? Drop a comment. And if you want more essays on the psychology beneath the headlines — subscribe.
Alisa, you nailed it. I grew up with this, married it twice, and have encountered it in more places than I care to think of. I saw this in 2016. And you’re spot on with the observation that this is a sad testament to the prevalence of child abuse in America.
When I first heard Mayoral Candidate Jessica Ramos a couple months ago, it was on WBAI FM in NYC. I was disappointed that a so-called progressive suggested we needed to dismantle rent stabilization by kicking out tenants who “outstayed their welcome.” We need more rent-stabilized units, not fewer. This morning, Ramos endorsed neoliberal menace, carceral enthusiast, serial harasser, and nipple-ring afficianado Andrew Cuomo for NYC mayor. My point is that my first impression was accurate. I need to trust when my guts clench, it’s important data to consider as events unfold. Thanks for your NPD analysis as it pertains to the federal circus. Such entertainment! Now if they only provided bread ….