The White Hair Wasn't Real

(And why our Secretary of Education thinks AI is steak sauce.)

Let’s talk about America’s weird new kink for elderly presidents.

And no, not “elder wisdom.” Don’t hit me with that Confucius crap. Because if we as a society really honored the elderly, maybe we’d treat nursing homes like temples instead of Craigslist horror stories with expired lunchables. We’d actually be protecting and expanding Social Security and Medicare. We don’t have “reverence for age”—we’ve got a youth-obsessed society with one single, oddly specific exception and delusion:

We think American presidents are supposed to be old. Like, visibly failing to metabolize dairy old.

And I think I know why.

It’s the wigs.

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The Wig Delusion: Why Americans Think Presidents Are Supposed to Be Old

This man is 44, not 80.

I’m going to blame your third-grade classroom. Remember those portraits? George Washington, with that powdered wig and 1,000-yard stare, looking like an olde-timey man who still calls electricity “sorcery.”

Here’s the twist: he wasn’t old. None of the founding fathers were. They just look old to schoolkids, because they were adults with white hair and scowls.

Washington was 44 when he took command of the army.

Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence at 33.

Hamilton? 21.

Madison? 36.

These weren’t wise old sages. They were founding f*ckboys with quills.

But thanks to some outdated ubiquitous portraits and the haunting power of $1 bills, we’ve convinced ourselves that “president” is a job for people who fall asleep during Ken Burns documentaries.

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America: The Only Country Where Ageism Reverses...Sometimes

In Hollywood, age kills careers. In Silicon Valley, youth gets you venture capital. But in American politics?

We elect men who think “streaming” is something you only discuss with a urologist.

• Joe Biden is 82.

• Donald Trump is 78 and running the country again, like a post-credit jump scare.

• Mitch McConnell is older than the Dorito.

• The average age in the Senate? 64.

• The House? 57.

• The median age of the average American? 38.

I’m not young. I’m 56. But even I recognize the tragic truth: We are being governed by a demographic that still says “the Facebook.”

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Meanwhile, in Real America…

Some average ages from actual American cities:

• Austin: 33

• Boston: 32.9

• Los Angeles: 35.6

These are cities full of people making art, paying rent, innovating, collapsing from burnout—and yet not one of them would be considered “experienced” enough to run for president.

Unless, of course, they were in a coma for 40 years and just woke up terrified that we might still have a public education system.

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The Secretary of Education vs. The Steak Sauce

Which brings us to Linda McMahon.

Former WWE executive. Current U.S. Secretary of Education. Because f*ck all our lives.

Yes, the woman who built her fortune on men hitting each other with folding chairs is now overseeing the nation’s classrooms.

At a recent tech education event, she was supposed to talk about the role of AI—as in Artificial Intelligence.

She repeatedly referred to A.1.

Yes. The steak sauce.

This isn’t parody. This is policy.

Twitter had a field day. AI itself chimed in:

“She thought I was steak sauce. I’m insulted.”
—@chatGPTzaddy (not real, but it should be)

And honestly? The entire country should be insulted. If your Secretary of Education doesn’t know the difference between a chatbot and a bottle of liquid beef sugar, maybe it's time for her to tap out.

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What We Need Isn’t More Elders. It’s More Visionaries.

This isn’t ageism. It’s reality. You can be 80 and brilliant. But if you don’t know how the present works, you shouldn’t be in charge of the future.

We don’t need more “wise old men.” We need the energy that birthed this country in the first place. Not nostalgia for “good old days” that sucked for the vast majority of humanity. Not monuments for racists. Not powdered wigs.

Rebellion. Innovation. Curiosity. Disruption.

The founding fathers weren’t old. They just had bad hair they covered with dusty powdered lice motels.

It’s time to stop electing nearghosts—and start listening to the living.

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If You’re Still Here, You’re the Revolution

If you felt that, share this post. Forward it. Repost it. Tattoo it on your soul.
And if you're under 60 and still know what “Ctrl + Z” means, maybe run for something, yeah?

Or at least vote like you’re tired of being governed by expired deli meat in a suit.

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P.S.
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