Leaked Memo from the Heritage Foundation: The Official Geriatric GOP Insult Style Guide

Because “socialist” just doesn’t slap like it used to. (THIS IS A PARODY!)

What follows is an internal memo leaked to me by a deeply conflicted third-tier aide in the Republican National Committee's “Heritage Initiative for Strategic Optics” (H.I.S.O.)—a think tank division dedicated to making the past seem smarter than the future.

I publish it here in full, without edits, for the public good. Read it and weep—or cackle.

Please note: This is parody. But just barely.

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CONFIDENTIAL GOP COMMUNICATION

FROM: Heritage Foundation Cultural Messaging Division
TO: GOP Elected Officials, Fox News Bookers, Concerned Citizens with AM Radios
DATE: July 2025
RE: Refreshed Insult Messaging: Approved Retro Terms for the Woke Democratic Menace

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OVERVIEW:
Focus groups and donor luncheons indicate that our favorite go-to insult—“socialist”—has tragically lost its sting. In urban districts, young voters now self-identify as socialists. Some even put it in their dating bios. One woman in a town I’m not going to say was Milwaukee but might have been Milwaukee adjuascent tattooed “Democratic Socialist” across her ribs in gothic font and was recently elected mayor.

The time has come to pivot. Or rather—to pivot backward, like Ginger Rodgers.

This memo outlines approved insults to match our worldview and policies, for immediate use across platforms and public tantrums. These terms will evoke the dignified rage of a bygone era when men had shoe horns, women had shame, and everyone feared libraries.

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PHASE ONE: RECOMMENDED MODERN INSULTS

1. RAPSCALLION

“This rapscallion thinks the government should fund dental care for coal miners and everyone else but not everyone needs teeth let’s be real.”
Use for activists, public defenders, and vegan anarchists.

2. NE’ER-DO-WELL

“Another Biden ne’er-do-well trying to unionize the local Starbucks.”
Broad spectrum insult. Works for your unemployed nephew and Congresswoman AOC.

3. TROLLOP

“This Instagram trollop thinks feminism means rejecting my unemployed nephew’s advances despite his enormous Christian beard.”
The bitch must be pretty but we’d never say it out loud.

4. SCALAWAG

“The scalawag in question was seen registering black voters in Alabama.”
Very effective in committee hearings. Sounds like a slur but isn’t.

5. MOONCALF

“Only a mooncalf believes we can transition to clean energy without sacrificing our God-given right to breath fresh coal dust.”
For soyboy environmentalists, and teenagers who refuse to make eye contact.

6. FOP

“Your honor, I present Exhibit A: The Fop. Pronouns: he/they. Offense: hand-stitched waistcoat.”
Weaponized gender panic with a dash of Oscar Wilde.

7. BOLSHEVIK

“Oh great, another Bolshevik demanding ‘paid parental leave’ like some kind of European.”
Donor-tested. A+ performance at Mar-a-Lago golf club luncheons.

8. HOODWINKED

“The American voter has been hoodwinked into thinking insulin shouldn’t cost $800.”
Makes you sound like you read something, once. Also handy at Klan rallies if you’re feeling flirty.

9. WHIPPERSNAPPER

“This whippersnapper came at me on Threads because I said women shouldn't be in STEM.”
For anyone under 40 who can type with both thumbs.

10. HUSSY

“This hussy had the audacity to speak on a panel about gender equity. While wearing red.”
Slut shaming is always fashionable.

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KEY TALKING POINTS

• “What we’re seeing today is a full-blown mooncalfery of the American economy.”

• “The Biden administration is a circus of ne’er-do-wells, led by a fop, staffed by harlots.”

• “Why are we giving free lunches to rapscallions when hard-working billionaires can’t write off their megayachts anymore?”

• “This isn’t about race. It’s about trollops teaching critical race theory in our preschools to budding trollops.”

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DO NOT USE:

To avoid alienating the elderly donor base and/or sounding hip by accident, avoid these modern terms:

• “Zaddy” (no one knows what this means and it makes Mitch McConnell cry)

• “Based” (interns have confirmed this is a compliment)

• “Goblin mode” (potential anti-Semitic implications + unclear metaphor)

• “Slay” (tested badly with megachurch attendees)

• “You Ate” (not actually about food, surprisingly)

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STRATEGIC CONCLUSION

We are at war not with socialism, but with semantics. If language evolves, we lose. By returning to insults from the 1800s, we signal moral authority, cultural superiority, and a willful misunderstanding of how time works.

Speak like your grandfather. Yell like your grandfather. Be the grandfather.

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This memo is for internal use only. If it leaks to the public, deny authorship, blame cancel culture, Rosie O’Donnell, and pivot to a tangent about gas stoves and how they are Obama’s fault.